A Transformation is an Inside Job
A transformation rarely looks like it does in the movies. Sometimes, it's an epiphany. A mental shift. Or waking up one morning deciding you are sick of wallowing in your own self-destruction.
For me, I knew something had to change.
I was a mess.
Not on the outside.
On the outside, I looked like I had it all. Husband, kids, great job.
Social media saw the best of me. Vacations, selfies, hashtag "thislife", hashtag "blessed"
But on the inside, I was falling. My anxiety had never been worse. I was growing more fearful and worried about things that didn't used to bother me.
And through it all, I was drinking to cope. It was the only time during the day where I felt relaxed. Relieved. Mommy needs wine right? Only it wasn't a funny meme. It had become a scary reality for this mom.
I was drinking 3,4,5 glasses of wine a night, and waking up the next morning with massive hangovers, shaky hands, and memory lapses. Did I really send that text, or was that just a dream? Did I actually trip and fall in the living room, or did I just imagine it?
I would scan my phone. Texts, calls, social media. What did I write? Please tell me I didn't post anything after 9 p.m.
I always knew that someday I would have to quit drinking. One was never enough but a bottle of wine (or more) wasn't sustainable.
On the outside I looked fine, but on the inside I felt like crap. I knew something would have to give. And I realized I could make this decision on my own accord or the decision would eventually be made for me. And at what cost? What would I have to lose to get to that point? Potentially?
Everything…
So I quit. I quit drinking one cold December morning. I was scared.
Terrified, actually. But I was even more scared of what was going to happen if I didn't quit.
It took me a year to find my sober footing. It was at a year that I realized with resolution I would never drink again. Life is too good sober. I didn’t want to miss another minute to a blackout, to a painful hangover, to the mounting anxiety.
And I never will.