Dear Kristen (and all partners of addicts)
An open letter to Kristen (and all partners of alcoholics/addicts),
I heard your husband relapsed.
After 16 years of vocal sobriety, Dax Sheppard got honest on his podcast and admitted he lost his way. He had fallen, and was going to pick himself up and start again.
I know you're scared. As the daughter of an alcoholic I watched my dad's addiction first hand. I saw the lies, the deceit and the harrowing journey it took the entire family through. I felt the pain of seeing my dad come home with recovery chips from AA while he secretly drank. I remember the tear in my heart as I heard his promises to do better but had a front row seat as his addiction ripped our family at the seams.
You wonder if you can trust him. You wonder how someone could choose drugs and alcohol over your family. Over YOU. Over your CHILDREN! I thought those same things.
Until one day I found myself in a similar position. When I woke up and realized I was using alcohol as a crutch for the anxiety and depression I carried my whole life. And I understood for the first time that addiction is dangerous because there IS NO choice. And I saw that if I didn't quit drinking, I would follow my father's same path.
I want you and every partner of a person in active addiction or recovery to know that this is so much bigger than a choice. Addiction is a brain altering, biochemical disease that overtakes all willpower, all sensibility. And your partner's struggles are not uncommon, normal even -- because drugs and alcohol are extremely addictive. They are chemically designed to enable addiction. Just because some of you can drink regularly without becoming addicted doesn't make you 'stronger', it makes you damn lucky.
I can't fix what you and your family are going through, but I can tell you that you are not alone. I can tell you that Al Anon is powerful support for families of addiction. And I can tell you that your partner is in deep, immense pain. And if this was as simple as a choice, they would choose you and their family. EVERY time. Because OF COURSE they would.
I woke up one morning three years ago and wished I could drink instead of raise my children and that is how I knew. I indelibly knew that if I didn't turn this around, I may never have the chance again. And my father watches me now from above with astounding pride. Because it was with him and through him I had the courage to quit and wisdom to know where this road could lead.
I quit because my father's addiction took that choice from him. And I pray that by people like Dax who are ending the stigma of addiction and relapse, more of us can get help and speak up sooner. And I believe they will.
Because although addiction is powerful, so is vulnerability. So are our stories. And Dax knows this, perhaps better than most. We are rooting for you and your family, mama.
You can't change someone else, and you certainly can't fix them. But you can stay strong and brave for your family. You can continue to take care of yourself, and give yourself so much grace.
As someone who's been on both sides, there are no winners here. There is no lesser pain, only different. And just as I pray for strength for Dax to get through today sober, so too do I wish you and your children the strength to continue to love and have hope through the pain.
Because truly, the only thing more tragic than addiction -- for both sides -- is facing it without hope.
If you like this post, you will love my eBook! All my best pieces on how I quit drinking and stay sober. Click here