Don't Go To The Mechanic To Buy Milk

On Relationships And Resentment

I recently heard a story about someone in early recovery who was feeling lonely and disappointed by her spouse’s lack of interest or even acknowledgement of just how hard the first few days (weeks/months/years) in new sobriety can be.

“Why doesn’t my husband understand how much work I’m doing? He’s acting like it’s a typical Friday!”

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I have some thoughts. First, let’s clarify something: not drinking and recovering are not the same thing. When someone says they are “not drinking,” they might be in recovery for alcohol use disorder (AUD), or they might be abstaining from alcohol for a hundred other reasons. People in recovery may label themselves as non-drinkers but people who aren’t recovering from AUD or problematic drinking would not say they are in recovery. This might feel obvious, but it’s not! I think many moderate or occasional drinkers do not know the difference between the two. So a spouse who seems nonchalant by their partners recent “dry spell” may actually think it’s a typical Friday.

My husband and I goofing off at a recovery event.

To take this a step further, if you are someone like me who deeply downplayed or straight up hid either your drinking problem and/or how big a deal abstaining from alcohol is for you, then why would a partner or loved one know any differently?

Second, and I heard this in a recent meeting but apparently it’s a well known expression: Don’t go to the mechanic to buy milk. Meaning? Don’t expect a built-in sober advocate/buddy/support system from a person who is unfamiliar with addiction and recovery. Can a partner still be supportive? Absolutely, and I hope they get there. But if you want milk, you’ve got to go to a store that has milk.

This is is the crux of programs, meetings, sober coaches, and groups. They are the support system. They offer the compassion, advice, care and context we need that no one else understands.

I wrote a lot about my early sobriety in my book, It’s Not About The Wine, and about how my relationship with my husband changed. He, too, was quiet on my newfound elimination of alcohol from my lifestyle. But it wasn’t because he didn’t support my choices or think I was a badass for realizing alcohol didn’t serve me. As I mentioned earlier, it was because I had been hiding this increasing problem from him for years. He had no idea how deep under I’d gone, and just how hard it was to pull myself back out. He thought it was a typical Friday when I felt like my world was unravelling by the seams.

Third: our recovery is not about our partner. Ok, hang tight because this isn’t always the case. If someone is in recovery because their partner issued an ultimatum or expressed concern, then — yes — our recovery might be connected to our partner. But ultimately, deep down at the core, our recovery is about and for us.

Recovery is a trust fall into the hands of the Universe. An acceptance of something bigger, far more expansive at play than we could ever engineer. Recovery is about letting go of something in hopes of everything. And all of it stems from within us.

People who don’t get it don’t need to get it, and there are a few people who will likely spend the rest of their lives not getting it (and I bet you already know who they are). Then there are people who may not get it yet, but time and living proof will show them everything they need to know. Lastly, there are people who don’t directly get it, but they unconditionally support you in everything you do so they are your biggest cheerleaders.

Focus forward. You are on this journey for a reason. Deciding not to drink today is NEVER a mistake, so don’t let your trickster voice tell you otherwise. Trust your gut, lean into the decision and remember the world will move and meld around you to accommodate it. And most importantly, don’t go to the mechanic to buy milk.

Have you bought my book, It’s Not About the Wine: The Loaded Truth Behind Mommy Wine Culture? It’s currently $10 off on Amazon! Buy it here. And please leave a review on Amazon when you’re finished!

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