Expert Q&A: Supporting our Kids with Anxiety
How to help, and how to talk to our kids after Uvalde
Today I’m talking to Tessa Stuckey, a Licensed Professional Counselor, Parenting Coach, Author of For the Sake of Our Youth, and mother of four. We talk navigating kids with anxiety at every age, as well as how to talk to our kids about the mass shooting at Uvalde.
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Celeste: Tessa, I'm grateful you're here. I want to give a little bit of background and context when I first started chatting with Tessa. It was because my kindergartener who's was five at the time, had been complaining about stomach aches every day before school, and I was pretty certain it was anxiety related. And I was wondering what to do. So Tessa, you provided me with tips and suggestions around that that's kind of where this conversation started. And then we scheduled it for today and then yesterday (Uvalde mass shooting) happened. So I feel like we have a lot to talk about. But first, can you tell me a little bit about who you are?
Tessa: I'm a therapist in Houston, Texas. I'm a mom of four boys and they are 10, 9 and then two 7 year olds, and I work primarily with teenagers and their parents. Through the years there's been a lot of uptick in mental illness, typically anxiety and depression with teenagers. And as the years since I've been a therapist it's gotten younger and younger and younger. Sadly, it goes down some very dark paths and I have spent a lot of time and energy researching what is going on in today's culture that has contributed to so much of this darkness for our kids. And so I found out a lot of things going on in our culture. I wrote a book about it. My book is called For the Sake of our Youth. And so I love now I love working with kids of any ages, so not just teenagers. I'm really big on the preventative care.
Celeste: So what first, I guess my question would be, you know, in a nutshell, what did you find? What did you what kind of conclusions were you able to come to about why we've reached this mental health epidemic for our children?
Tessa: I would say the biggest like the cliff notes version for you is that we live in a world where everything is instant. So our kids growing up with immediate gratification for everything. And then by the time they reach those hormonal years, you know, there's no instant fix for emotional distress. And so they aren't learning how to truly cope and self regulate as they're getting older and then especially when they are teenagers. It's so overwhelming and chaotic. And with that I'm really big about talking about social media effects. And all our kids are getting smart devices way too young. And that's contributing to the immediate gratification but also early exposure to a lot of things that is really hurting their brains and their hearts.
Celeste: Let's talk a little bit about if my kid has anxiety and I'm trying to get them help. I I can't even find a therapist for months out. What do I do?
Tessa: Yeah, and it's really I mean, it's really upsetting. Ever since the pandemic it's been really hard to get in with therapists. We are ae crowded with clients, rightfully so we're all going through something and have been going through something that none of us could prepare for and none of us knew how to handle.
It it really comes down to teaching the parents to help their child learn how to self regulate. How to name and label some of these distressing emotions and figure out how to make it day by day so that they are feeling a little bit more at ease. Specifically with anxiety the biggest thing that I really like to talk to clients about is normalizing anxiety, not in a minimizing their emotions kind of way where you say “Oh, you're okay, you're fine.” Instead try “you're feeling really big emotions right now. And I'm so thankful that you are talking with me about this or that we're figuring out that that's what's going on with you and I want to help you navigate through this” What that does is it empowers them and gives them that strength or at least the idea that they have strength to get through it and that alone can create so much relief for them.
Celeste: When we first started talking, I was having trouble finding a therapist. Can we do this without therapy? Or I mean what do you do if they won't participate in with a therapist?
Tessa: Yeah, It matters how intense the situation is, you know is he not going to school altogether? Is he having such bad tummy issues that like he's throwing up every day or having to go to the bathroom all the time, like, then we need to be a little bit more proactive. But if it's not like that, then I think that we can handle it at home without us really truly because he's five or six years old. The therapist can practice play therapy where they just let the child play.
When I get little kids I like really working with parents more. I like to talk about what we can actually do at home. Real, practical, realistic things that we can do with our kids, teach them self regulation.
Celeste: What about preteens and teens? What can we do for them for those who are struggling?
Tessa: So very much the same, like you need to get them doing something so they feel comfortable talking. Oftentimes that means joining them in their comfort zone. So if they love to paint nails, like let them paint your nails or go and paint their nails or whatever or if they love a show even like sometimes just sitting and watching with them, makes them feel comfortable. They're in their comfort zone and turn to you and start talking about things.
They feel that loyalty from you so that they can feel safe to talk to you. And then what I like to ask all of my clients no matter how old they are, I started off doing this with my young clients but it works really great with adults too. is asking what do you like to do for fun? And I make them less three to five things that they like to do for fun. And I make the rule that it can't be video games or social media or like anything really restrained.
Celeste: Okay, so let's move on a little bit. So, obviously, we had this tragedy yesterday. Can you talk a little bit about how do we talk to our kids about this? Do we talk to our kids about this? When to know the difference of who's ready and who's not. And how do we support them right now?
Tessa: You gotta go with your gut on this, your mom instincts — if you think that your child is going to hear about it at school, or overhear you talk about it. Then you need to have a conversation with them. I would say pretty much every kid in elementary school and older is probably going to hear about it whether it's someone on the bus, an older sibling, overhearing teachers talk about it or even over hearing you talk about it. I do think it's a good idea to talk about it and to adjust the conversation according to their age.
We don't want to scare the bejesus out of our little babies, but we also want to be real with them and let them know that we can talk about these really hard topics and that they can always come and talk and ask us questions.
So first, I would say make sure you recognize that it is going to be a hard conversation and say that out loud to them, you know, kind of be authentic in the sense of I never thought I was gonna have to have this conversation with you. My heart is breaking for these other families. But I really want to talk to you about this because I want to make sure there's no misconceptions, and that you always feel safe to come and talk to me about it. “What questions do you have” is another way to start it.
Celeste: Do you want to be ahead of that curve, or is it just as sufficient to be responsive?
Tessa: I do think it's just as sufficient and I think we have to just Okay, those things that are not going to mess up the whole thing if they've already heard from it on the bus. Okay. And I think that as long as you do address it, though, like don't just assume that they heard it, they know it, you're good. They're gonna come to you if they need, you know, don't assume that you need to still address it and ask them have you heard anything about what happened yesterday? Or what did your friends tell you? Or what did you hear on the bus or whatever? They might say something like, Oh, I heard a guy brought a phone to a school and you know, blew up the entire school and 100,000 people died right so then our jobs be like ‘that's not what happened.’ And you can say there's still details about what happened that I haven't quite heard all of it yet. I don't know. So, it's really important to kind of go with what your child is understanding making sure they understand what you understand and what you know. And also we want them to feel safe, safe, talk to you but also safe to go to school.
Celeste: you don't want them to we don't want to instill more fear in them. I mean, they're already we've already had such a rough couple years. It's like we really want to set them up to succeed and it's just one thing after the next.
Tessa: It's hard as a parent because you know, we feel the hurt when they are hurting or we feel the anxiety when they are feeling anxious. And we have to model rumbling through that discomfort with them and for them so that they can learn that they have the strength to struggle through it to these tragedies as much as I wish we could wave a magic wand and stop them for eternity. They're gonna keep happening, maybe not this specific times, but our children are going to have to struggle through really hard times.
Celeste: Yeah, that's I didn't I didn't even think about it that way. I think because we get so protective and we just want to we just want them to feel safe, that you know you kind of put a shield up or a bubble around them. In the long run, that's not necessarily the best approach.
Tessa: And that's I think the hardest part is that we have to learn how to struggle through that discomfort so that they can learn how to struggle through the discomfort and we are signaling to them. You are strong enough for this. And I'm right. And then the last bit real advice I would say about this tragedy is to go ahead and and talk about it. And like let them ask all the questions, let them know you're available. And then let it be. Our kids can only take so much trauma before it's too much. And so we need to make sure we keep it to a minimum so that it is not their entire existence right now. And that really is on us as parents and that is kind of the shielding part right like their brain development really truly cannot handle hearing about this tragedy for the next five days. It's just not going to be okay for their little brains in their little hearts. So it's important for us to talk about it, let it be known that they can always come back, maybe check in with them in a couple of days, you know, that sort of thing. Move on from it, so that it's not their whole world anymore.
So much thanks to Tessa for that insightful interview! Follow Tessa on Instagram HERE.