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One of the first things I did when I quit drinking was unfollow all of my drinking friends. Harsh? Maybe. But if you've ever tried to break the chains of addiction, you know you are in very raw survival mode those early days. Suddenly it becomes less about being nice and more about staying alive, in every sense.
I didn’t want to see the fun drinking pictures. I especially didn’t want to see the parties where I wasn’t invited. It would be one of many changes I made in my day-to-day to help me get through the hard early times.
So when I complain about my lack of friendships in sobriety, or talk about friends who deserted me in the recovery process, I need to recognize there was a vast number who I literally never gave a chance. People I one day clicked 'unfollow' without so much as a goodbye. (I should mentioned on FB you can unfollow without someone knowing you unfollowed them; FB just stops showing you their posts).
Friendships are a two-way street. Yes I felt betrayed by a few friends where I did believe we had roots deeper than the drink. But I didn’t do my part. I gave up on them in a way the day I unfollowed. I didn’t water those roots; and I didn't step up to see if something was still there.
And actually? I have zero regrets. It would be nice to have more invites to camping or lake days I guess, but not with the drinking crowd. And anyways the friendships I do have now are wildly empowered. Most of them are even fortified in sobriety, and they are woven in the fabric of truth that I never spoke of when I believed my drinking problems needed to be secret.
I've made friends through my sober community. I've made friends through my kids. And some of my closest friendships are actually through my family. Cousins, in laws, and my immediate family will always be the people I think of first and know I can share my deepest truths without judgment or shame.
It is worth noting that I never re-followed most of those friends. I know, I know. I suppose after 5 plus years you would think it's finally time. But I'm happy where I'm at - I don't miss what I don't know.
A few times I've bumped into someone and we were able to reconnect on something other than our stupendous love of booze or our ability to drink an entire bottle of wine apiece. But as for the others? Our lives have actually never crossed since; me not reaching out to them... nor them reaching out to me. And that isn't anything more than life leading us different directions.
Yes, I lost friendships when I quit drinking; somewhat by my own doing. But it could have been anything. Divorce, moving, career change or kids with busy schedules. It's the nature of the beast. Life changes, and friendships either change with them -- or we move on. And that's not their fault, or mine. It's just the way it goes.
To the friends I unfollowed? No ill will here. I love and respect you and appreciate the relationships we had. But I keep my social media, my home and my mental health a sacred space right now. I am careful with what goes inside those lines. And right now? For my protection and yes, for my survival, I am keeping walls up. It's not you, it's me.
And I'm better than I've ever been.
My book, It’s Not About the Wine: The Loaded Truth Behind Mommy Wine Culture, is available for pre-order here.
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