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I have a special Q&A this week with Amanda White, a Licensed Professional Counselor and author of Not Drinking Tonight. I asked Amanda my most common question from women: “I want to quit but my partner still drinks. What do I do?”
Amanda: The big thing I recommend with this is boundary negotiation. So what I mean by that is having someone come up with what their non negotiable boundaries are.
It could be different for everyone. Maybe in the beginning of sobriety, they don't want alcohol in the house, or they don't want to go to a bar, or they don't want to watch certain shows with alcohol.
Think about what their non negotiable boundaries are, and what there may be some wiggle room with. Then talking to their partner about where that middle ground can be met. So for the partner, maybe they have some other non negotiables versus preferences and trying to really meet in the middle.
(Editor’s note: An example would be: my non-negotiable is I do not want to go to bars, but I’m open to having alcohol in the house if my partner keeps it in the garage.)
The hope, of course, is that your partner is supportive of your sobriety. And I'm a big believer in keeping it focused on yourself; don't try to force that other person to not drink. Eventually, potentially, it could be a conversation where down the road they drink less because you inspire them. But I kind of really believe in the saying “attraction, over promotion.”
Do you have any thoughts on when partners are not supportive?
Amanda: As a therapist, I recommend couples therapy.
There needs to be a conversation about what is that person afraid of? What are they afraid of losing? Are they nervous that they're losing their drinking buddy? Are they nervous that you're going to try to change them and not have them drink anymore?
Try to understand where they're coming from and what they're interpreting. This shouldn't impact them if you're not trying to stop them from drinking. And I think sometimes in those cases, too, you can share with your partner why your decision may be good for him or her. Maybe they take care of you when you get too drunk. Maybe you spend too much money or you make a mess, or you both are hungover and it's hard to take care of the kids the next day. Share with them how this may actually benefit their life by you quitting drinking.
Thank you so much Amanda for the incredible insight! Order her book, Not Drinking Tonight, on Amazon. Follow Amanda on Instagram here.
What other questions do you have on sobriety? Leave a comment and let me know!
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