I’ve been writing about recovery long enough to have accrued a list of frequently asked questions from my followers. Were you an alcoholic? Did you have a rock bottom? Why did you quit?
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And since you’re probably wondering the same thing, let’s answer them right up front…
Were you an alcoholic? No. Not by my definition but definitely by others’ definition.
Did you have a rock bottom? Yes, in my own way.
Why did you quit? I realized I couldn’t drink the way I liked to drink and still parent the way I wanted to parent.
But here’s another question I often get: How much were you drinking before you quit? I understand this question. I’ve ASKED this question to other people. But I often resist answering it and here’s why. Someone who is asking me this question is rarely asking about fluid ounces, even if they think they are. I would argue they are actually asking “how much alcohol is too much? What’s still considered the safe zone and am I still in it?”
I would go so far as to say answering this question with a number of glasses or fluid ounces does everyone a disservice because we are all so nuanced by gender, body size, age, tolerance, and our mental health. The amount of alcohol I drank would affect me much differently than a 6 foot 5 man with 40 years of heavy drinking history. As it would a 21 year old 5 foot 1 female who’s never had more than a few drinks in her life. For me to say “I was drinking two bottles of wine a night and knew that was too much” may be my truth, but for the person who feels uncomfortable with their drinking at two glasses a night, it might suggest they should ignore their intuition.
Intuition is our strongest guide when it comes to alcohol. It is the essence of how we know something feels off. If your alcohol use feels concerning, then it’s something worth exploring.
I know. I know. It’s the opposite message of what we often hear in our society. We live in a very pro-alcohol, if-you-haven’t-been-hospitalized-or-jailed-yet-you’re-fine mindset. But I’m telling you what you don’t want to hear but instinctively already know: it’s probably NOT fine.
And it’s also not because you’re broken or defective. You never have to label yourself an alcoholic either if that rubs you the wrong way. It’s because alcohol is diluted poison and frankly most people are better off without it.
Yes.
Sure, some people can drink a glass of champagne a couple times a year and experience zero ramifications. Some people can even have a glass of wine a few times each month and again — harmless. But many of us — 36 million Americans — do not have a healthy relationship with alcohol. We are gray area drinkers who can moderate most of the time but not always. This is in addition to another 10% of the population who would be considered alcoholics.
I don’t tell you this to scare you. In fact, I tell you this to help you understand that if you fit in this gray space, you are far from alone. Our bodies respond to alcohol in the exact way bodies are supposed to respond to an addictive drug. Which is to say, not well and certainly not sustainably.
If you’ve gotten this far and you’re still wondering, “Yea, but you still haven’t answered the first question…” then I guess I missed the boat on this essay. But I’ll answer it anyway. How much was I drinking before I quit? I was drinking enough to realize the only thing that made me feel better from drinking too much was drinking more. And that was a cycle that would eventually kill me. Maybe not in 5 years or even 10 years, but sooner than I was ready. And I wanted to live and live well.
In Sober Mom Squad, we have members who only drank a few times a week and we have member who almost lost their lives to alcohol. Their answers to the question “how much” would range so vastly, it would be ineffective to measure at all. Because quite simply, the answer will always come down to the individual. Ask yourself this:
Does it serve you?
Do the benefits outweigh the consequences?
Does it hold you back?
And if any of the gut answers to those questions make you squeal a little inside? Sit with that feeling. Grab a pick axe and do some excavating. What could life look like without the mental space alcohol currently holds in your head? Without a hangover? Without a depressant and numbing device constantly sabotaging your mental and emotional wellbeing?
No need to get defensive, angry or sad. Get curious instead. Then get excited. You already know what it looks and feels like when alcohol is involved. It’s time to find out what life can feel like when it’s not.
Have you bought my book, It’s Not About the Wine: The Loaded Truth Behind Mommy Wine Culture? Buy it here. And please leave a review on Amazon when you’re finished!
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