There’s a saying in AA that goes “You never have to drink again.” Apparently it makes people feel better but I am not one of them. When I first quit drinking, the only relief I felt was knowing I COULD go back to drinking if this ‘lil sober thing was a big fat failure. In fact, someone telling me I was powerless over alcohol — another AA saying — and that I never have to drink again would have likely been enough to change my mind altogether. Let me explain.
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I am a big fan of control. Some might call me a bit of a freak on the topic, which is fair. I like knowing what’s in store. I like plans, planning, and all things scheduled. I tell my husband often “If it’s not on my calendar, it doesn’t exist.” I’ve noticed a lot of people in recovery are the same. We are recovering perfectionists and natural people pleasers. We like having things a certain way and everything according to plan.
At first it confused me why people like this (like me) would drink to get sloppy when control is so important, until I realized alcohol gives us the permission we so desperately desired to soften the death grip we carried around everything.
And it helped us let go of other things, too. Like the desire to look a certain way. To say the right things. To not overthink everything. Liquid courage may do us a disservice in the long run but you can’t tell me alcohol never helped me get out of my own damn way more than a few times.
With control comes a need to have choices, and feel ownership in my decisions. So when someone says to me “you never have to drink again” I feel off put. Don’t tell me what I have to and don’t have to do!
It’s the same feeling I get around other common expressions, such as the label alcoholic or the aforementioned refrain “I am powerless over alcohol.” I struggle to understand a need to identify my relationship to a substance I haven’t consumed in years in the same way I would struggle to explain my relationship to an ex partner (let’s call him Jason) I haven’t talked to in a decade. There is no relationship. I’m not a Jason-holic because our relationship was toxic; even potentially deadly. He’s out of my life now and I moved on. He has NO power over me and I plan to keep it that way.
The first time I read about rethinking the label alcoholic was in This Naked Mind by Annie Grace. She argues we don’t call former smokers “cigarette-oholics.” Why would we when we no longer smoke? Why do we get stuck with a lifetime stamp for something we used to do? If I got stuck with labels for every bad decision I’ve made, I’d be an MLM-oholic, a master cleanse diet-oholic, and yes, a Jason-oholic.
Grace also said something else that always stood out to me. She gave herself a ‘maybe someday’ permission slip. Maybe if there’s a zombie apocalypse, I will drink again. For me, it’s maybe if my entire family tragically passes away. Again, this puts us back in the driver seat. It takes the “never again” out of the equation and replaces it with “not today,” or AA’s very own “one day at a time.”
This is not a diss on AA post. Not even close. I love AA because I love people who are still alive because of it. I know many people who resonate and thrive with these labels and sayings. Who need them. Who find them empowering and make them feel in control, not out of it. And I love that. I honor that. I’m so grateful AA is out there and for the countless lives it’s saved over the years.
One of AA’s popular sayings is “Take what you like and leave the rest,” and in that same vein, I want to share some of my favorite AA slogans/mantras.
One day at a time (a classic and something I say often).
Easy does it (I like to say keep it simple but samsies).
Let go and let God (A great one for us control freaks).
Progress, not perfection.
Nothing changes if nothing changes (I say this one a lot too).
Sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Something else I say a lot in recovery is we are all so different, why do we expect recovery to look to same? Just as we all had different relationships with alcohol so to will our recovery look and feel different. I do not feel powerless over alcohol. In fact, at six years sober I feel pretty fuckin powerful over it. Because I know when I don’t touch the stuff it can’t take anything from me. And I never want to lose control again.
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