I Had to Quit Drinking to Learn How to Trust Myself
I remember reading a friend’s post on social media about recovering from a terrible bout with the flu. I don’t remember everything she said, only that she said something that struck me so deeply, I still remember it now, all these years later.
“I could tell early on I was getting sick, because something felt off.”
I read that line over, and over again. I read it with curiosity, followed by envy and a jab of frustration. What would it feel like, I asked myself, for something to feel off?
Not that I didn’t know the feeling. I knew it quite well. I felt off most mornings, popping Advil or hoping the coffee and morning errands would burn off the lingering alcohol in my system.
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My curiously stemmed from this idea of being able to communicate with my body the way she described. That my body could send me signals, and I could listen and act accordingly. Now that seemed foreign, indeed.
Because I hadn’t listened to my body in years. I often drank alcohol with the intention of preventing just that. Dull the senses. Eliminate the feelings. Listening to my body was a consequence of an aftermath from one too many drinks the night before… or the sad reality that it’s not yet 5 pm… or that this cafe doesn’t sell wine… nobody else is drinking… I have to drive later… Etc etc etc.
It was a state of in-between, squeezed between the bookends of wanting a drink and having one. It was never the end goal, even on days when I didn’t drink. Because even when I wasn’t drinking, I always would rather be.
Today I went to plug in my electric vehicle and it tripped the circuit. The power to one side of the house turned off. I didn’t even realize it until I went to plug in my hairdryer a few hours later. It reminded me of this idea of our on/off switch to our intuition. It’s there, eager to send signals and connect. But when we drink, we dull that connection. Sometimes we short circuit it completely.
It’s a scary concept. Our intuition is what keeps us alive in many ways. When I read my friend’s post all those years ago, I craved this idea of communicating with my body. Of finding that connection I once had, where I could trust the messages were coming from something more rooted and innate than a nasty hangover. I wanted to be able to sense when something felt “off” for reasons other than my own self-sabotage.
And I found it. I found it in sobriety. I’m grateful to say my intuition is back online, hopefully never to short circuit again. I love trusting my body again. I love knowing my feelings and emotions are OK, even when they’re uncomfortable.
In a recovery meeting today we talked about convincing moments. Little and big nudges that we needed to change our relationship with alcohol. I see that post from a friend all those years ago as an early convincing moment that I wanted more for myself, and that such a thing was possible. As much as I fooled myself into believing alcohol gave me more than it took, my heart still wanted and believed I deserved more. Even when my intuition had one foot out the door, my higher power and the universe sent signals of another way.
Convincing moments often don’t feel like much in and of themselves. That message from a friend for example? It felt insignificant at the time. But the power of convincing moments is when they add up, they are building more resilient neuropathways. Why else do you think I still remember that post? My brain was storing it for when I was ready. Ready to finally, finally be convinced.
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