I Quit Drinking but my Husband Still Drinks
“What do you think about me quitting alcohol?” I recently asked my husband.
Three years after I decided to quit, it was the first time I’d ever felt strong enough to get this vulnerable. My sobriety was a decision I made on my own, in the echo chamber of my mind, after years of questioning my drinking habits and choices. Drinking took up a lot of headspace, even if on the outside I looked like I was doing fine. But I started to do things that scared me; sneaking pours in when no one was looking, or having a drink or two before my husband got home and pretending like the drink I was pouring in front of him was my first.
I hid this from him, but I knew my secrets would eventually catch up with me. He would catch on, or notice the extra bottles I’d accumulated in the recycling. He would sense a slur in my speech, or smell it on my breath.
I quit drinking before any of that happened. I wanted my decision to quit be on my own terms. And it was. Quiet. Undramatic.
But how did my husband feel about it? After all, we were drinking buddies for a long time. When I quit, there was never an expectation that he would stop by either of us. But secretly I did wonder if he resented my choice – or perhaps sighed some relief. After all, he’s had to put me to bed a few times too many.
This night, as we enjoyed a rare dinner out to celebrate our wedding anniversary – him nursing a pinot noir, and me with a non-alcoholic beer, he looked surprised by my question.
“It’s fine,” he said, seemingly lost in thought.
“I mean, sometimes it’s uncomfortable. Like when we are at parties and I can sense how tense you are. But obviously that’s gotten better over time.”
He also shared a few experiences in my drinking days that make him uncomfortable, but overall he said he feels good about my choice and he is mostly impressed with the life I am making for myself and our family. He mentioned how much less he has been drinking as a result, not so much by choice but by convenience. And how a lot of his friends have slowed down as well as they’ve gotten older.
This lifestyle works for us. My husband respects my decision to abstain, and I respect his decision to drink. I am grateful that he has slowed his own drinking down, if only because it means less alcohol around the house and less triggers. But that happened organically, and over time.
It took us years to get here. But I feel so good about where we are now. Ultimately, it comes down to respect and time – pillars in any relationship.
All relationships are hard, and they all have their highs and lows. But I know that my drinking was sabotaging everything, if not now… eventually, including my marriage. I’m so grateful to get to do this life with someone who has seen me through my best and worst.
We may not be drinking buddies any more, but I would wager that is in large part why we are doing so well.