I Still Remember
And The Times I Still Get Caught Off Guard
Thank you to everyone who joined our first Sober Mom Connection. I loved talking with you in a different way and I’m excited to do it again — Wednesday, October 23 at 10 a.m. Pacific. This is free for all subscribers! Register here
Today an old post of mine popped up in my Facebook memories. The post read as follows:
I still do.
I still hold my breath every time I walk by a bar.
I still feel a tug from inside every time I turn down a drink.
I still wonder if a drink would make me feel better when I’m sobbing uncontrollably and everything hurts
I still question my decision to quit drinking even if it’s just for a millisecond — every damn day.
Because it’s everywhere. And everyone’s always drinking. And I want to scream IT’S NOT FAIR! Why can others moderate and I can not?
Why can’t I enjoy a glass and smile when the waiter asks me if l’d like another and say with satisfaction “No thanks, I’m good.” Like they do in the movies.
But I am not that person. And I will never be that person. And I spent far too long trying to chase that person who doesn’t exist.
I still remember why I am here — 600 days alcohol free and counting.
I am here for my family.
My health.
My quality of life.
My purpose.
And after that momentary hunger pang subsides, I take deep satisfaction in walking past that bar... continuing the conversation after declining a drink.
Because I have so much more waiting for me in a life of sobriety than I ever did at the bottom of a bottle. So. Much. More.
I still do remember what this is all for. The fragility of life and the miracles that happen every day. Miracles I can only see as a sober person.
This path I’ve chosen? It’s not the easy way. It’s not smooth, or all downhill, or gentle. But it’s the one with the glorious view from the top. The one with a panoramic look at life with clarity and satisfaction. The view from this path is the one of love, gratitude, and connection.
On this path, I still do have tremendous gratitude for being a sober woman, wife, mom.
And my family does too. And 600 days later, they still do.
I wrote that post years ago, and I’m grateful to say I don’t really relate to that experience anymore. I don’t hold my breath when I walk past an airport bar on the way to my gate. I don’t get split second thoughts of “Fuck it” or “No one has to know” when someone leaves a drink unattended in front of me. When I’m alone at home and there’s a half-opened bottle of wine in the fridge. Or when I’m at a restaurant and everyone else is ordering drinks.
Alcohol doesn’t hold that power over me anymore, though it took years to get here.
There is only one time where I get caught off guard. Where the thoughts sweep in and make my blood curdle. Where I wonder “what if” before disappointed in myself swoops in for being so weak.
It’s when I’m next to someone holding a glass of red wine, and I can smell it in their glass or on their breath. When they put their drink on a table so close to me the unmistakable whiff of sulfites flutter through the air and into my nose. My face puckers like a sour patch kid and I can’t distinguish the feeling as lust or disgust.
Do I want it or do I despise it? Should I say something or just start breathing through my nose? If I’m with a loved one, I will move their glass or ask them to take a step back, but if it’s a friend or acquaintance I sit in the discomfort. I accept the situation as slightly unpleasant, or a reminder of the why and how I got to where I am today: almost seven years alcohol free and stronger every day.
And I dance in celebration for the life I now live, as well as swim in the warm waters of a life so deliciously unencumbered. Softened and smoothed out by the river’s current, like a pebble that tumbled for years through currents to get here.
My kids see the smoothness of a simpler life. They feel the softness of a family without the jagged sharp edges of addiction. They don’t know the years it took for us to get here.
But I do.
I still do.
Please join me on Wednesday, October 23rd at 10 a.m. Pacific for the next Sober Mom Connection meeting. Sharing, connecting, asking and answering questions. Sober and sober curious folks welcome. Register here
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