I was early enough in my sobriety when I met a friend for dinner that I still wasn’t comfortable talking about it. So when the waiter came to take our drink order, I took a deep breath before asking for a Diet Coke while my friend requested a margarita. Once the waiter left, my friend bemused “I’ve been trying to cut back on my soda drinking with all those nasty toxins” — and my face flushed.
First, let’s laugh for a second. Ha! I mean… this could be in a Far Side comic, right?
Ok, now let’s give my friend a TON of grace. After all, this was 2018. Alcohol studies on the negative impacts had not yet reached national news cycles, and while many of us knew heavy drinking had terrible health implications, the risks of even occasional or moderate drinking were mostly unknown to the masses.
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I remember this dinner with my friend quite well, not because I was shocked by her ignorance around the ingredients in alcohol (ethanol! A group 1 carcinogen! Linked to a handful of cancers!) But because I was white knuckling that dinner like my life depended on it and her unknowing knock at my soda habit felt like a big “eff you” to all the work I was doing.
Work she knew nothing about because it was work I felt genuinely ashamed of sharing. And it kills me inside to think of how much suffering I put on myself in early recovery because I believed my relationship with alcohol made me less worthy, less everything. Because I look back on everything I have today as a direct result of my strength and resilience in those early days. Staying focused on one thing, at the seeming pushback by everything else.
While it’s now 2024 and the news reports do a better job at headlining the negative effects of alcohol, mocktails are more prevalent, and there is far less stigma around non-drinkers, we have a ways a go. A long ways.
Look, I get it. Addiction and recovery is not "cool.” No one ever aspires to be the chick who writes about addiction and recovery (true story).
People equate addiction to a bad thing... it's the opposite of what we want for anyone. It's a sad sad outcome to years of self abuse, or genetics, or childhood trauma or however you want to approach it.
Recovery? It's taboo too. Because recovery proves someone experienced addiction in the first place. Recovery means someone had to "sober up" and get real with a serious problem in their life. Calling someone a drunk or wino can be hear-say, but someone who's in recovery? That's a fact.
And yet, we serve one of the most addictive substances on the planet at every party, on every holiday, at every office social function.
And yet, we post memes about needing wine to parent, drinking a pitcher of margaritas to hydrate, lacing our tumbler with vodka to get through our kids soccer practice. We text champagne emojis 🍾when someone does something awesome, and wine emojis 🍷when someone's having a hard day.
We play Russian roulette with every single person who decides to drink alcohol (80% of the population) and say, "hope it all turns out okay!"
And when it doesn't? When 1 out of 8 Americans realize they cannot drink moderately? We pretend not to stare. It's taboo to discuss. We "hope they get help" and stop inviting them to social events. Hoping they figure it out on their own. On. Their. Own.
Where the hell is the middle ground here? I’m talking about an entire painter’s palette between black and white of sober curious, gray area drinkers, and rare drinkers. Because standing between every eighth person with a drinking problem is seven people with vastly different relationships with alcohol.
And also, what do we expect? We can't have it both ways. We can't put alcohol in front of a person and cheer them on while they drink but look away when they stumble. Drinking is social until it turns to addiction. Then it's the loneliest thing on earth.
The kicker? When someone speaks publicly about their own struggles with addiction, people don't cheer them on. Instead, they get defensive. They point a finger at them and call them an addict. But it's clearly a "them" problem and not the substance itself. It's not the addictive nature of alcohol's fault... that person is just a drunk or an addict.
Look, I'm not trying to repeal the 21st amendment. I think people have the right to drink if they want. But we cannot promote alcohol in all things we do but turn our backs on people who struggle. Recovery should not be taboo. People should be able to be loud and proud they don't drink. Or to speak publicly that they need help, and not have the world turn its back on them.
Let's change the narrative. Let's celebrate sobriety, recovery, harm reduction, and admitting when they need help. It's not something to fear or push back on. It's not something to warrant an eye-roll 🙄 or laughing emoji 😂. It's a wonderful thing! Recovery and sobriety is someone stepping away from society's assumption we can all drink the same way, and doing what is good for them.
Let’s recognize someone not drinking can mean anything or nothing at all. And unless they bring it up, it’s none of our business anyway. And that drink shaming can both ways. In the same way I promise not to judge you for ordering a margarita I ask you to not judge my Diet Coke.
And addiction? Let's make it part of the conversation. Let's tell our kids and friends and office mates and the lady in the PTA that insists on serving alcohol at every meeting that addiction doesn't just look like pain and suffering. It can look like a mom with two kids. Or a 20 something with two million followers on social media. And instead of inciting shame when someone admits to the struggle? Let's embrace them with support and love. Let's lean in to their problem with love and offer help.
Basically? Let's do the opposite of what we do now.
Have you bought my book, It’s Not About the Wine: The Loaded Truth Behind Mommy Wine Culture? Buy it here. And please leave a review on Amazon when you’re finished!
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