My Anxiety? It's Normal.
It’s taken me a long time, but I think I’m finally making peace with knowing that my normal might look different than what is generally accepted as normal.
That constant search for normal led me to years of self-medicating to ease suffocating anxiety, because feeling normal felt so foreign, I couldn’t do it on my own.
I remember when I got drunk for the first time at 16, my very first thought was “Is this what it means to feel normal?”
The voices of self-consciousness, shame and unworthiness quieted down.
My fears receded.
What others thought about me truly didn’t matter for the first time.
I felt free.
And at just 16 I thought, “So now I know what it means to feel normal.”
And I chased that feeling for the next 20 years through drinking, always thinking this next drink will help me get there. This one will help me reach normal.
I know now.
I know that my normal just looks different than the collective normal.
I know that depression and generalized anxiety disorder are serious but treatable mental health issues.
I know that I will probably be on anti-depressants for the rest of my life. Or not – that’s between me and my psychiatrist. And that is OK. It is fantastic, in fact. Thank God I live in a time where we have science to support our mental health.
I know now that if I don’t take care of myself, my anxiety and depression leave me susceptible to addictive and compulsive behaviors.
And I know that if left untreated, my drinking was going to kill me.
So I accept my anxiety. I accept my mental health, my recovery and my anti-depressant regime.
My normal looks different from the collective normal. I cry more than average. I’m hypersensitive. Little things have a big impact on me and sometimes my ‘fight or flight’ response gets triggered by just the touch of a feather. But as Glennon would say, sensitivity is also my superpower!
My kids know when they want someone kiss their boo boo they come to mama. I get to write to thousands of you about my sober journey and hear back ‘me too!’ in harmonious echoes! I am a kind soul, a loving mom and I lead with my heart in everything I do.
My normal isn’t just good enough. It is exactly what I was always meant for. I just had to overcome some major obstacles and learn a lesson or 30.
I am grateful for all of it. The struggles, the growing pains and the stretch marks.
And I accept, with open arms, my normal.