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If you follow me on any of my social media feeds, you know I’m a big Taylor Swift fan. I’m listening to her latest album, Midnights, on repeat. And yet again, she does not disappoint.
Last weekend, I listened to the whole album start to finish on a long run and I had to stop cold while listening to Bigger Than The Whole Sky so I could let out a huge sob. Suddenly, I was taken back seven years to my miscarriage.
Feelings I hadn’t felt, memories I had all but forgotten, and grief all flooded through me like a tidal wave. Sure I still think about the baby I briefly thought would be mine, but much less over time. Taylor’s song made it come back so forcefully, I am still dumbstruck. And it felt so good. It felt incredibly cathartic to shed those tears that still lingered in my body over my would’ve could’ve should’ve baby.
Taylors gift with words, lyrics, and music leaves me awestruck every time. And it also brings out a bit of imposter syndrome in me. Why can some writers or musicians bring out my own experiences and emotions so much better than I can? Me — the one who’s living these experiences firsthand. I wish I could write about my miscarriage a tenth as eloquently and poetically as Taylor did in that song.
Growing up, I think it was instilled in us to focus on what we are good at and leave the rest. Even if you love art? If you don’t have artistic “talent”, it’s not worth your time. In sports, we project this talent-expectation on most kids. If you aren’t good at soccer, don’t play. And I get it… when kids get older only the good ones will make the team and get play time anyway, so why lead on the underdogs only for later disappointment? Still…
Something I’m trying to teach my kids right now is to do things because they enjoy doing them, not because they’re good at them. My son really likes art right now and whether or not he’s going to be the next Picasso, I want him to nurture this passion simply because it’s his.
When I listen to Taylor, or read the enigmatic words of a beautiful writer, sometimes I struggle with deep imposter syndrome. Why write at all when others can do it so much better? But in fact, it’s my passion and that can and should be enough reason. I think too often we lose sight of doing something just for us… because we want to… because it brings us joy.
After I quit drinking, I had to take a hard look at what I was doing and how I was spending my time. I had used alcohol as a change agent for so long, I wasn’t quite sure who Celeste even was under the layers. What do I like to do? Who is the real me?
Writing brings out a voice within that felt stifled for a really long time through numbing out and binging/purging. So I will keep writing, despite the imposter syndrome. Or perhaps even because of it.
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What I’m reading/watching/etc
Daisy Jones and the Six - I read this book already and loved it. Now, I’m listening to it on Audible because I heard the audio book is its own experience.
I worked with Exact Nature CBD last year and I still love their products. I use their Serenity oil and ZZZZ’s sleep capsules regularly. Use code UMC20 for a 20% discount (not an affiliate link).
Watching season 3 of Love is Blind - is love really blind? It’s such an interesting experiment because as soon as these couples are lurched back into the real world everything changes, pressures mount, and relationships crumble. It makes me think that it’s less about love being blind and more about love being resilient to daily stressors.
Let me just say that you are in no way a writing imposter. And I should know. Keep at it, you are doing us all a great service by expressing yourself online and in your book.
What I sat down to do today is finish (start) a presentation that was due a month ago for a session this Wednesday. What I decided to do instead is become a subscriber and read this article first. I am grateful I haven't had to experience the pain associated after a miscarriage, but being the second time I've heard about this song today I needed to listen to it. So maybe the song brought me here, my imposter syndrome is why I can't start this stupid presentation... And my eyes are watering and I feel a deep sadness and now and feel silly that I was so excited to tell you... I am also watching Love is Blind 3.