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I made a rookie mistake this week. Someone commented on my Instagram that her husband was an addict. She was sick of people telling her she was part of the problem, and that she needed to change. She felt alone and furious. I’ve heard this story before countless times, and here’s where I faltered…
I tried to swoop in to help her. I asked her if I could DM her and she said yes. I popped into her DM’s with a list of 5-6 resources to support her. I told her these feelings and her rage was valid and I gave her suggestions for supporting her journey of healing.
I was irked when she replied to every single suggestion I made with reasons why each one wasn’t applicable to her experience. “The meetings they offer don’t work with my schedule… these are for spouse of addicts who’ve died, and mine is still alive… etc etc.”
I read her reply and said out loud to my husband, “Well I don’t even know why she asked for help if she’s not ready to receive any…”
And then I heard what I said out loud, and it hit me like a fastball to the chest. Because the truth was SHE DIDN’T ASK FOR MY HELP AT ALL! She made a comment about how she felt and I read it as a situation to fix.
So… my bad. But in the meantime, I did some work gathering resources and I’d hate to see them go to waste. I’ve talked to at least three people recently who are living with a partner in active addiction and I know it’s one of the hardest, most hopeless positions to be in. If you are in this place or know someone who is — and more importantly — if you are in the right headspace to receive support, I want to share some gems I’ve uncovered.
Til The Wheels Fall Off Podcast
I stumbled across this podcast this week and I’m speechless. A husband-wife team, Matt and Paige Robinson, who talk candidly about Matt’s addiction and recovery journey and Paige’s first-hand experience as well as her own healing journey. Finally, a recovery story where the spouse isn’t a “supporting” character! I love this couple and their message, and I believe they will help so many. They also have a great page of guides, worksheets and blog posts on the topic.
Al-Anon and Nar-Anon
If you had asked me just a few months ago, this would have been the first and maybe only resource I would have offered. I attended Ala-Teen in high school and I did find it helpful; Al-Anon and Nar-Anon are both for loved ones of someone in active addiction or recovery from alcohol or other drugs, respectively.
I’ve heard so many amazing stories from people who found these meetings life saving. But I’ve also heard from others, including my mom, who did not find them helpful. My mom never made connections that felt right, and I’ve heard others complain of similar experiences, or frustrations with the religious component, and a myriad of other concerns. It is the most widely used resource for families of addiction however, so I imagine everyone has something to glean by taking a chance in these rooms.
I think my favorite saying from Al-Anon is their take on the serenity prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, courage to change the one I can, and wisdom to know that person is me.” As with anything, it may work for some and not for others. However, it is free and meetings are available in person or virtually in most locations.
I recently met someone who attributes Al-Anon with changing her life. She says “One of my favorite lines in the Al-Anon Newcomer's Welcome says: You didn't CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it, and you can't CURE it. I can't begin to explain what a relief that idea was!” She encourages anyone curious to attend a meeting or check out the daily reader Courage to Change.
RecoveryAnswers.org Guide for Family Members
If you google “addiction support for families,” you will be overwhelmed with countless blog posts and ‘resources’ that are little more than meta-driven pages on for-profit recovery facilities trying to drive higher SEO rankings. I recommend being cautious with these searches and sticking with .org/.gov sites for more unbiased information.
I found this website, managed by the Recovery Research Institute (a nonprofit research institute of Massachusetts General Hospital), full of data, infographics and tips. For example, it says that at least 25% of the population belongs to a family affected by an addiction disorder in a first-degree relative. It also shows the stages of coping when a loved one is in active addiction, as well as suggestions for how to protect and take care of yourself, types of support available, and more. While it’s geared for families in Massachusetts, the information is helpful to anyone.
Codependency No More
This book is a must for anyone who’s lived with a loved one in addiction. The word codependent can feel so off-putting — I know — but don’t let it hinder you from reading Melody Beattie’s words. She lights the way for getting your identity back and asserting your control over the only person you ever had control over.
Smiling Again Podcast
Kim Moore introduced herself to me a few years ago when she was actively creating her podcast and she is a ray of light in what can be such a dark topic. Speaking on her own experience with living with her husband’s addiction, and well as grieving his death, she interviews others in the space and offers tangible tips and support. Her resource library includes free self-care and self-compassion exercises. There is even a support community.
Beyond Addiction Book And Workbook
My friend Mary Tilson of the Sun and Moon Sober Living Podcast recommended this episode where she interviewed Carrie Wilkens, PhD and author of the Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change as well as the Beyond Addiction Workbook for Family and Friends. Wilkens uses something called the Invitation to Change (ITC) approach to remain engaged and be effective in supporting a loved one making positive change. Mary called the workbook “an amazing resource. Their Invitation to Change approach is extremely helpful.”
Where You’ve Seen Me
Thank you to Isabel van Zuilen for including me in her list of 14 inspirational female sober accounts to following on Instagram!
Thanks to Tawny Lara for including my tips around sober Halloween. This is an especially triggering holiday for people in eating disorder recovery so it has extra significance to take it slow and easy around this time of year!
I just did an interview as a guest on the Avoiding the Addiction Affliction podcast. Our episode is coming soon, so go to their website and subscribe to their podcast or sign up for the email notification!
Pssst. If you sign up to this Substack as a founding subscriber, you will not only get access to all my writing, but I will send you a signed copy of my book: It’s Not About the Wine!
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