If you find value in these emails, I hope you will consider upgrading your subscription. Paid subscribers will get bonus content each week and access to all my posts (free members can only access above the paywall). If you cannot afford a subscription, please respond to this email and let me know you can’t afford it but would like full access.
My book, It’s Not About the Wine: The Loaded Truth Behind Mommy Wine Culture, is now available anywhere books are sold. Order here. Have you read it? Please leave a review on Amazon!
Yesterday my mom and I took the kids up the mountain to feed the Chickadees. We do this every now and again, once a tradition with my late mother-in-law who loved to bird watch and name the wildflowers we would pass along the trails.
Once we found a good clearing, we passed out the birdseed and each of us opened up our handfuls of birdseed to the sky. Then we would wait. Lo and behold, chickadees would make their way over. Cautious and hesitant, the would swoop down and perch on our fingers, grab a seed or two, then fly back to the safety of the tree branches to feast.
These moments are magical, and not just because of the birds. It’s the way the sun beams through the trees to make dancing shadows on the forest floor. It’s the shapes of trees that resemble arches, letters and even animal silhouettes. It’s the sounds of the wind whipping through pine needles, the pitter patter of chipmunks who want a taste of the goodies we’ve brought for the birds this afternoon. Or the random mushroom who’s made it’s home on a dead log for the season.
It’s countless, magical glimmers you can only see if you’re looking. Only appreciate with your senses alert. You can only enjoy in their full glory when you’re paying attention.
There’s a TikTok that’s been going around lately that talks about “Glimmers.” In the video, glimmers are defined as the opposite of triggers. They are small moments that spark joy or peace.
We hear so much about triggers, and in recovery, triggers can feel overwhelming and extremely heavy.
I love this idea of looking for glimmers in early sobriety, because while the triggers are real and palpable, glimmers are also everywhere and reminders that what we are doing is impactful. Encouragement that we are going the right direction.
Glimmers to look for in early sobriety:
Waking up in the morning feeling fresh and energized
The first sip of coffee
Seeing a sign - A butterfly, a text from someone at a serendipitous time, a kind gesture by a stranger
Feeling present with your kids
Hearing your kids playing in the other room
Catching a special moment between two people
A delicious meal or dessert
Sliding into bed with fresh sheets
In parenting, my husband and I worked with behavioral specialists to implement a 5:1 ratio. Five positive interactions for every correction. The intention was to ensure our relationships were more driven by positive interactions than negative ones. We hoped to encourage our children to feel affirmed by what they are doing on task and motivated by what worked, instead of discouraged and reprimanded by what didn’t.
I think this is great ratio to consider around glimmers to triggers too. It’s also relatively easy to implement, as the glimmers in early sobriety are omnipresent. The key is recognizing them, as this can require a mindset shift.
After all, you can easily run through you day on auto pilot and gloss over many of the sober glimmers if you simply see them as “just” a first sip of coffee, a butterfly, or a kind gesture.
I think it’s something worth engineering for ourselves too. To think of all the glimmers I would have missed yesterday had we not driven up the mountain to feed the birds! When we remove ourselves from triggers entirely and enter spaces of nature, we are engineering opportunities for glimmers to present themselves.
In Glennon Doyle’s podcast, she mentioned that she makes a point to notice delightful sights or experiences — aka glimmers — and say them out loud. “Delight!” She exclaims when she sees something special. Whether anyone is around to hear her words is irrelevant. It’s as if she’s letting the universe know she got the memo. She is picking up what they are putting down. As Ace of Base would say, “I saw the sign…”
Think of a word that feels magical to you. It can be delight, or glimmer, or something more personal. And make a point to stop and notice them all around you throughout the day. Then note it either out loud or in your head, bonus points if you jot it down. By the end of the day you will have a list of magic moments to look back on. Preferably as you slip into your clean bedsheets and feel the sweetness of another day sober.
Where You’ve Seen Me
My byline for SheKnows came out last week on the real problems behind mommy wine culture and the message it sends to mothers and our children.
Huffington Post included my suggestions on how to celebrate soberversaries in their article on non-traditional milestones to recognize.
Do you want more? Sign up as a paid subscriber to see the rest of what’s happening this week, including my series “Weekly Unwined” of what I’m reading/watching and how it ranks on a sober-positive scale.
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to The Sober Mom Challenge to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.