I have a recurring nightmare where something smashes against my lower face and all of my teeth crumble inside my mouth. This dream always startles me awake, occasionally with a cry or a gasp that wakes my husband. The sensation is so real, so visceral, that when I first bring my tongue to brush up against my teeth and assess the damage, my mouth initially feels hollow; my tongue pressing against smooth bare gums like a baby. It takes me several moments to feel my teeth intact and for my brain to acknowledge that it was just a dream.
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I’ve looked up the meaning or symbolism of this dream, as it’s a fairly common one, and read that it’s closely aligned with worry of losing control. Digging deeper, teeth represent our ability to communicate — an interesting thought for a writer.
But the one that hits closest to home is the symbolic connection to the anxious mind. Specifically, dreams about teeth crumbling can mean feeling like everything is falling apart at once. And even more fascinating? Ties to feeling unbalanced or self-sabotaging. I know a thing or two about self-sabotage…
I know how it feels to abandon myself over and over again for other people, or for substances, or because I didn’t believe I deserved good things.
I know what it means to be masochistic.
I know why sometimes aging feels like a burden (not a privilege) and how risky living feels like a gateway to making the pain end sooner.
I know why my brain and body still worry about operational error. I have given them plenty of reasons not to trust me.
If our dreams are communication from our subconscious, then mine still sends out an occasional “SOS!” to keep me on my toes. My heart carries some reasonable fears that a few unexpected blows in my life could make me crumble in the same ways it used to; my self-sabotage daily menu options of risky behavior, substance misuse, and disordered eating.
While my recovery work has led me on a very different path with different menu options (thank goodness), my subconscious is still understandably wary. Maybe these dreams are remnants of my past, or warnings for my future. Sobriety teaches me every day the value in life and in living, not because I am finally worthy but because I have always been. And my goal, as always, is to strengthen the bond and trust between hand and heart. Through actions, self work, and time.
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