Quick note before my essay. I will host my very first Sober Mom Connection call on Wednesday, September 25 at 10 a.m. Pacific. This is free for all subscribers! Register here
My youngest found an ant farm terrarium in the closet and decided this would be his next project. He lured a couple dozen ants into it from an ant mound in our yard, and just like that… we watched ants scramble to make something of this new home they never asked for.
At first, they seemed driven and determined, getting to work on tunnels, moving food here and there. They clearly had motivation to make the most of this new landscape. But after a week or two, things started to change. The pace slowed. The ants stopped tunneling. We wondered if we weren’t feeding them enough, or the right things as some of the food we dropped remained untouched and developed mold.
When we got back from a Labor Day weekend away, all of the ants but three were dead (please don’t call animal control). Now this mass ant tomb sits on the kitchen island for me to reflect on as my son has moved on to other things. But I wonder…
Did we kill them with the food, not enough water, or not cleaning the terrarium enough?
Were they doomed from the start because ants aren’t meant to be caged?
Did we just capture mostly “unmotivated” and “lazy” ants (I kid… but stick around, there’s a point here).
In recovery meetings, we’ve been talking a lot about losing motivation. In early sobriety, especially if you’re motivated by a goal or a recent scare, it can be enough to push you forward. You cultivate spaces, routines and boundaries to help you succeed. Then, when you start to see the benefits? Again, rushes of adrenaline and for some, even a pink cloud of euphoria.
But the wave settles to a swell and eventually evens out. The excitement of something new softens into just the norm. Sometimes there’s even an anti-climax that comes after a major milestone, like 30 or 90 days, sometimes one year, and the next day feels so deeply unsettling you start to question the point of any of it.
It’s easy to lose momentum after the newness of something grows comfortable. And if you feel stagnant in your sober journey, you are not alone. But humans (nor insects, it seems) aren’t meant to live in a bubble. We can’t thrive long-term in isolation. We need new experiences, new connections, and new ways to challenge ourselves and find inspiration.
Sometimes the outside world wrongfully calls people who relapse weak or lazy. So I appreciate this reminder from the ant farm that even some of the hardest workers on our planet can’t pour from an empty cup.
When someone relapses or starts losing motivation to push forward, sometimes they’ve simply lost that connection to what makes us grow and that which we can’t nurture in isolation. In sobriety, we can get stuck in our safe little bubble but the routine can only take us so far. We need to eventually step back out and feel the breeze of fresh air and new energy, the momentum of new waves to surf. It can be scary and disconcerting, but if you are in a place in your recovery where the air feels stale, it can be fundamental.
When you’re ready, get back out there. Try something new or pick back up somewhere you left off in the past. Over the years, I’ve found joy in OrangeTheory, cooking techniques, travel, astrology, podcasts, even new book genres. I try to take classes or learn new things as much as I can. I’m a forever student and when I’ve accomplished something I often follow it up with “what’s next?”
We cannot thrive in a terrarium of sober isolation. If you’ve found yourself in a cocoon as a means of recovery but you’re feeling that twitch in your leg, maybe it’s time to explore what’s next. There is a big beautiful world out there that can be safely enjoyed and appreciated without alcohol. Grab your surfboard and go catch a new wave.
Have you bought my book, It’s Not About the Wine: The Loaded Truth Behind Mommy Wine Culture? Buy it here. And please leave a review on Amazon when you’re finished!
Three Things I Love (Affiliate Links Included)
Genuinely enjoyed two books by Taylor Jenkins Reed last month. Malibu Rising and Carrie Soto is Back are both fast, fun reads and there’s even a few overlapping characters, which I loved.
This desktop water fountain is my new favorite thing to look at when I’m caught between words or listening to a call. Flowing water is said to have healing properties, but honestly? I’m mostly here for the spinning LED ball at the top!
The whole family enjoyed learning Rummikub this summer, and I love that we can all play… or just two of us can play at a time. Ages 8 and up.
There will be no Sober Staircase this week. Instead, I’m inviting you to join me on Wednesday, September 25th at 10 a.m. Pacific for our very first Sober Mom Connection meeting. Sharing, connecting, asking and answering questions. Sober and sober curious folks welcome. Register here
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