The First Week After You Quit Drinking
Someone asked me to write about that first week after I quit drinking. I've been trying to gather my thoughts on that experience even just to remember for myself, because I will admit there's a deep fog from my memory of that week.
I did not write during that week. I checked my social media to get an indication of my headspace and I don't have anything posted for that week either. It was like I crawled into a hole and hid myself away, waiting for the courage to come back out.
That first week was, from memory, the hardest week of my life. But not for the reasons you'd think. I didn't experience withdrawal, though I understand some do. Since I didn't drink every day anyway, my body had no problem adjusting to a week of sobriety.
The first week was hard on the head though. The constant mind games were undoubtedly what throws people off those first few days. You would think our bodies would want sobriety. And they do. Our bodies expend so much energy trying to take care of us, even as we sabotage them at every turn. But our heads have other plans. And this first week? Our mind is our worst enemy.
You can start this next week. It's been a hard day. Try this tomorrow. Not today.
You went two days without a drink last week. Obviously you don't have a problem.
Everyone else is drinking. Why can't you?
On and on and on my mind would drone. Constant chatter trying to throw me off my game. Honestly, I look back now and realize it was a miracle I got through it. I realize now, that I probably didn't write about it for fear I would convince myself not to go through with it. I believed I couldn't trust myself. Basically I've spent my whole life believing that.
But after that first day of sobriety -- Day One -- I told myself I never have to do that again.
Each day I reminded myself that last day was over. I would never have to do it again. And that was my "trick" for getting through that first week. Promising myself that by sticking it out, I was one day closer to freedom. Because every day gets easier. Every day feels freer.
What made my first week exponentially harder was my decision to do this on my own. Only two people knew my plans to quit drinking, and I kept this decision from everyone else. Instead of getting support and love, people were unknowingly testing me with every offer to get me a drink (it was the week of Christmas to make matters even harder), with holding their wine glass close enough that I could practically smell the tanins, and with asking why I wasn't drinking.
In that first week, I didn't yet know what my answer was. I didn't quite understand what my long term plans were. Is this forever? is this just a test? Do I have a problem, or do I just need to get better at moderation?
So I lied. I told people I was sick. Or I was doing a cleanse. I had to assure a few people I wasn't pregnant, but even then, at that time I would rather someone suspected I was pregnant than have a drinking problem. Because back then, having a drinking problem or being considered an alcoholic was by far the worst of outcomes. It meant there was something wrong with me. That I was incapable of drinking a perfectly safe, non-problematic beverage for 90% of the population.
If I could go back and do that first week all over again, here's what I would do: 1) I would read This Naked Mind and Quit Like a Woman, both books which emphasize the harmful addictive nature of alcohol and why it make quitting so damn hard for EVERYONE, not just "alcoholics". 2) I would find a community, either through AA or through the myriad of other programs out there. 3) I would search Facebook for one of the many supportive, private communities for sober women. 4) I would avoid parties or any social gatherings that involved alcohol (since I quit over Christmas, this would have been decidedly harder. But I would have set more boundaries... something I'm much better at now, two years sober.)
I have learned so much since I quit. I quit on the pretense that alcohol was not serving me, and I couldn't keep this up without serious implications, either now or in the future. But since I've started reading and learning more about alcohol, and alcohol addiction, I've learned that alcohol isn't safe for anyone -- it is addictive in nature, and it's a Type One carcinogen that can cause cancer even in low to moderate drinking. That alcohol addiction is something anyone is susceptible to -- not just a subset of the population.
But most importantly, I've learned how to trust myself. For the first time in my life, I have faith in the woman I am and the voice inside of me telling me who I am and why I matter. Alcohol lied to me for so many years, there was a time I didn't know WHO was speaking -- Celeste or alcohol? To be able to trust myself and my body again, there are no words to describe that metamorphosis in a person.
I also learned the beautiful skill of setting boundaries. I know what I will and will not put up with. I've learned to say no to people and things that are not beneficial or healthy. I've learned who is with me, and who just liked me because I was a drinking buddy. Setting boundaries was a skill I could only learn in sobriety.
I think I did my first week sober the absolute hardest way possible -- alone. I would encourage anyone looking to see what sober life feels like to do these four things instead. You do not have to do this alone if you don't want to. This may be the hardest week of your life, but if you are anything like me, you will stay resilient in knowing you never have to do it again. And it's worth it. It's worth all of it.