The Moderate vs Abstain Debate

If someone were to offer me a glass of wine and tell me it was a “freebie;” that I could drink it and still keep my sober day count in tact, would I drink it? Not a chance. I wouldn’t even be tempted. And not because I’m “recovered” or just so strong mentally. Because I never wanted just one glass of wine. I was all or nothing. Give me a bottle or nothing at all, but don’t waste my time with this one or two glasses BS.

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It took me years of therapy to connect the dots between my eating disorder and my alcohol use disorder. Because, surprisingly, the similarities are startling. Just as I never wanted one drink, neither did I only want one piece of chocolate, one bite of cake, or just a few Doritos. My bulimia allowed me to go “all in” on anything. Ice cream, junk food and candy. I could binge to my heart’s content and not face the ramifications of weight gain.

When I heard Gretchen Rubin talk about two types of personalities: moderators and abstainers, I felt seen. When it comes to temptation, one camp of people operate better knowing they can have anything they want, just in moderation. But the other camp thrives on taking the temptation off the table completely.

According to Rubin:

You’re a moderator if you…
– find that occasional indulgence heightens your pleasure–and strengthens your resolve
– get panicky at the thought of “never” getting or doing something

You’re an abstainer if you…
– have trouble stopping something once you’ve started
– aren’t tempted by things that you’ve decided are off-limits

Neither of these personality types are wrong, or worse. They just operate very differently. As someone who clearly veers on the abstainer side of this equation, I can make peace with saying “no” to something much more easily than I can with trying to stop after I’ve started something. When I read Rubin’s words, I felt relieved. I’m not broken, and it truly is easier to abstain than to play the moderation game to unpredictable results.

One of the biggest challenges I’ve seen in recovery spaces is both types of people can become addicted to alcohol, because — well — alcohol is addictive. But someone with a moderator personality type is going to have a much harder time accepting eliminating it completely. I hear people say “I don’t have this problem with anything else! Moderation comes easily to me around sugar, gambling, etc… Why can’t I be like that with alcohol?”

I believe understanding the science of alcohol as a drug and how it works on our body is the most effective way to find peace of mind. The science shows us that not only is alcohol an addictive substance for *anyone* (not just people predispositioned for alcohol use disorder), but as our body builds up its tolerance to continued use, we need more of it to feel the same effects over time. Consider the negative health effects from even low to moderate use and you’ll understand why moderation might not be the end goal when it comes to alcohol.

Our culture dissonance around alcohol plays into this moderation narrative. Alcohol is everywhere and the majority of the population drinks, so it’s easy to feel like we being deprived when we abstain. Add the familiar refrain “everything in moderation” — a frequent comment I receive on my sober posts, and you can see how not drinking can sometimes feel ostracizing. But when you consider the parallels of the harms of alcohol to something like cigarettes, the idea that we are deprived of anything beneficial is ludicrous. Cigarettes, once a symbol of power, sexiness, even feminism, is now more viewed as an international symbol of premature aging and lung cancer. Imagine someone in 2024 saying they feel deprived of the glamour, sexiness, or whimsy of cigarettes? Or better yet, imagine your friends and family pressuring you to “just have one” cigarette after you’ve quit. We collectively know better about the harms and dangers of nicotine, and I hope that is the direction we will eventually get with alcohol.

Whether you identify as a moderator or abstainer, I encourage anyone who struggles to moderate alcohol to learn more about the science and health effects of alcohol on our bodies (I’ll put my favorite resources in the Sober Staircase section). Look at the brain scans of regular alcohol use over the years. And explore the science of how our body, sleep, skin, gut and overall health changes from abstaining from alcohol. The cultural brainwashing around alcohol is everywhere and it’s not going away anytime soon, so fight back with cognitive clarity.

Have you bought my book, It’s Not About the Wine: The Loaded Truth Behind Mommy Wine Culture? Buy it here. And please leave a review on Amazon when you’re finished!

Sober Staircase

Each week I will offer one of my favorite tips, quotes, affirmations, resources, or exercises to step up your sobriety. I hope these will be invaluable resources for your sober journey and well worth your money and time. This section is for paid subscribers only.