If you’re reading this, it means Monday, December 18 has come and gone and I am officially SIX YEARS SOBER. Woot woot! Normally I would post something about gratitude and sobriety and how my life has changed in the last six years but honestly I’m not in the mood. I don’t have existential life lessons for you today. I can’t even seem to make it through the week without a full-on mind melt anyway so who am I to talk?
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Let’s be real, since my book came out, I’ve done dozens of media interviews, probably 30+ podcast interviews, several bylines, read a few good reviews, read a few YUCK reviews and stepped into November/December ready to burn it all down.
I have a book/promotion hangover, I feel disappointed by almost anything and everything (even though so much went right!) and I feel really down and sad. I want to go into my depression funk, wear pajamas all day and wallow in self pity. I really do. But I’m a mom, I’m on week five of my eating disorder program and fortunately my mental health has not crossed that ominous threshold where getting dressed and taking my meds feels more than I can bear. But it’s still heavy.
So I sit in the discomfort and the frustration of it all. And I wait…
I wait for the darkness of the winter solstice to promise sunnier days. I wait for my mood to lift and my energy to return. I wait for good news to come, as much as I will it on myself with gratitude and manifestation exercises. And I take care of myself like it’s my job. Because at six years sober? I know this to be true — it is not only my job… it’s my most important job. It’s my most valuable job.
If all I do today is not drink, binge or purge, I am doing a damn good job.
But I do more than that, even in this funk of the season. I do a few unconventional things to sustain myself and stay regulated. They might seem a little weird too, but they are all things I can do while carpooling my kids everywhere, getting to treatment, grocery shopping, taking care of two dogs and five chickens, Christmas shopping, calendar planning, etc etc. (Amazon affiliate links below)
Cupping and heat. I used to think of wine as self-care I could practice while I multitasked. It felt like something pleasurable that didn’t impact my parenting or chores (except it did). Well my self care efforts have evolved and now I do things a bit differently. I use cupping to “multitask” my pain relief/massage efforts while I cook, read, even work on the computer. I have several cupping devices that I can easily press into my shoulders and leave there for several minutes. It feels amazing, and even better when I take them off. I also use heating pads everywhere. My car seat serves as one, and I keep heated blankets on my desk chair and next to my bed. I always have one available when I’m sitting and it’s such an easy way to lighten the heaviness of my back and shoulder pain.
Stimming. If you’ve been following me a while, you know that I have trichotillomania. It’s a form of OCD where I pick and pull at my hair. It’s been a problem my whole life, and it’s provoked by stress but also boredom. I’ve been pull-free since August, and what I’ve found is fidget toys help me control my need to do something with my hands while I read, scroll, drive, or watch tv. It’s funny because I have been giving fidgets to my kids for years to help them but never considered it for my own needs. Now, it’s an essential accessory I take with me everywhere.
Electrolytes. I have never been a water drinker. But in my treatment program, they check my blood pressure regularly and it’s always low. The nurse has been encouraging me to hydrate and I’m enjoying water again with an electrolyte boost to make it yummy. It doesn’t feel boring; it feels nourishing now. And it helps my blood pressure — who knew?
Noise cancelling headphones. My house is very dysregulated. I have two boys who are loud. So loud. The cacophony deeply affects my mood — something I didn’t realize until I got sober. To deescalate the environment, I throw on my headphones. Suddenly the sounds are dulled to a more softened state. I feel like I can breathe again. It also does something else — it sets a bit of a boundary with my family. It puts a little bit of a wall up visible that mommy is “offline” in a way. Sometimes I feel like I have to be always on, always available and it’s simply exhausting. When my family sees my headphones on, they know I’m in self-regulation mode and they (sometimes) take a step back or go get dad if they really need something.
Fantasy. I’ve never been a big fantasy girl, until this last fall when I needed to check-the-eff-out for my sanity’s sake. I started with the ACOTAR series and have moved on to the Fourth Wing Series. I’m in a bit of a lull now wondering what to read next. Fantasy is helping me scratch this itch that says “do more, more more…” It releases this pressure in me that feels ready to explode after months of build up. It also lights a new fire in me; a desire to create. To make something new. To color outside the lines and imagine a magic in the middle of everything. An entire realm between what we can see, hear and feel.
On Friday I had my natal chart read by an astrologist and she told me something fascinating. She said that the ages between 42-44 are often considered the years of the “midlife crisis” because we are in our Uranus Opposition, meaning Uranus is on the opposite side of where it was when we were born. This can leave us feeling unfulfilled, frustrated and wanting to “burn it all down” — something I’ve been saying a lot lately. I’d like to think what I’m feeling is bigger than me just feeling underwhelmed and overextended, and maybe there are bigger forces at play.
Much like my fantasy reading, maybe there is more to this world than what we see and hear. Maybe the energy all around us is doing things we couldn’t possibly understand. Maybe my only goal right now is to open my mind to what exists as much more complex and get curious of the possibilities. Huh, would you look at that — maybe I do have a few existential life lessons to toss around today.
In the meantime, my goal these coming months is to really channel this itch into something creative. Something productive. Instead of burning things down, building them up or growing something entirely new.
Have you bought my book, It’s Not About the Wine: The Loaded Truth Behind Mommy Wine Culture? Buy it here. And please leave a review on Amazon when you’re finished!
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