My youngest son is on a Tears For Fears kick, obsessively listening to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat. My husband printed out the lyrics for him (for all of us really, as it’s such a catchy song we all seem to find ourselves humming along).
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The lyrics are a bit — discombobulated. I’ve never really listened to the song as a means to understand and perhaps that’s why I’ve liked it for so long. There’s not much to understand. They feel like a hodge podge philosophy discussion at 3 in the morning. Like an drug-infused rant on humanity’s desire for power scribbled down in the heat of the moment. And these were the 80’s… certainly not the only song to roll a good beat to some choppy thoughts.
But it hits differently, doesn’t it? When something you appreciate loses meaning. Like when a celebrity couple you love breaks up or a book you’ve been eyeing on the bestseller list misses its mark.
I’ve been entranced with the book series A Court of Thorn and Roses these past few weeks. Devouring each book like a hungry animal. Completely dropping my priorities to feed the beast… even as I write these words, my heart is begging me to turn off the computer and go back to the chapter where I left off.
This book does the opposite of disappoint. It over promises. This fantasy world, with heroes and villains, everlasting love and soul crushing despair puts my body and heart in a tailspin. The highest of highs and the most longing of lusts. I put the book down and feel — well — disappointed.
Because I look around at this life I live. This ordinary life. And I feel hungry for more. I desire adventures. Passion. Intrigue. Give me a fuckin plot twist or double crossing dark horse, for peets sake!
It’s the opposite of the Tears for Fears. It’s under promising and overdelivering, leaving me lying awake at the end of the day in a sleepy home stuck in my own body gasping for a life with more oxygen. Bigger lungs. Wings, fire, and a winnow or two.
Is this a midlife crisis. Is this a cry for more? I’m hopefully about half way through my life (if I’m lucky!). There’s no turning back, but what if I could? What if I could try again… jump head first into the fear and fray. The cauldron of desire I’ve left untouched for so long, always following the “shoulds” in my decisions, never the wants. Never really knowing what it is to want at all. Now I’m starting to sound like a 3 am philosophical rant!
This lust, this longing to eat this book up with everything in me feels obsessive, a little dangerous even. Is this ok? Safe? Can I be trusted with these feelings?
Big feelings have always scared me. They’ve shaken me, stirred me up, and served me up as self-sabotage… on the rocks. But can I scratch this itch safely? In moderation (I say with heavy sigh. That damn word again).
I don’t have a neat little bow to wrap this essay up with. These are just a few of the things on my mind this week. A disappointment of the ordinary. A search for the extraordinary. A sadness in the ways I think I’ve settled or underestimated myself. A desire to change.
My friend suggested I take this emotional cyclone and turn it into my own fantasy novel. Channel it. I think that could be really interesting. In the meantime, I’ve got a book series to finish.
Feyra and Rhys? Take me away…
Where You’ve Seen Me
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