Wine In My Stanley

The Motherhood Paradox of Drinking to Cope

Have you bought my book, It’s Not About the Wine: The Loaded Truth Behind Mommy Wine Culture? Buy it here. Publishers Weekly says about the book: “stressed-out moms will find comfort.” And please leave a review on Amazon when you’re finished!

When people ask me when I knew it was time to quit drinking, I often share a story about a visit to my kids’ pediatrician, a month or two before I quit.

We were visiting the doctor because my three year old had been struggling at preschool. He showed behavioral challenges that got him in trouble: aggression, defiance, and outbursts. My husband and I started attending parenting classes and reading books called things like: The Explosive Child and Parenting Strong Willed Children. But we felt stuck, and frustrated. Scared and hopeless. A lot of the experiences in the books weren’t relevant or our results never turned out the way the books suggested.

Is there anything more discombobulating than our first realization as parents that much of what our children do is beyond our control?

So at night, in between the dinner prep and the diaper changes, I sipped my Cabernet greedily. I earned this feeling; this headspace decompression. This warm hug in my chest. It was the only time where I could accept this lack of control, and give myself grace for otherwise never feeling like enough. A good enough mom. Employee. Wife. Person. It was the only part of the day where I opened myself to the possibility that everything might work out.

I didn’t drink all day. I never started before five. But I thought about it from the moment my eyes opened to the angry clang of the alarm. My head pounding from my overindulgence the night before. Misery til the clock ticked to that magical hour I’d determined acceptable to start to my emotional morphine drip. The paradox of drinking to cope with our motherhood struggles is we sabotage tomorrow’s coping. Wine in my Stanley, greedily chasing tomorrow’s regrets.

Wow, the Stanley is floating! Gotta love AI images.

That day at the doctor’s office, the pediatrician rattled through a spiel he must of told hundred of parents over the years. My son was too young for testing based on the descriptions I gave, and we would need to take the dreaded wait-and-see approach, returning in a few years if the situation continued.

I probably looked distressed. I know inside I felt any hope for clear answers or solutions crumble. “In a few years” sounded like eternity for someone living day to day, holding my breath til 5 pm, then sip to sip.

The doctor offered me some parting words. “Kids like these need three things: consistency, structure and a positive environment,” he said as I grabbed our coats and ushered my three year old out of the room. Those words spun through my mind like a news ticker on repeat.

Consistency. Structure. Positive environment.
Consistency. Structure. Positive environment.

What did it mean? What should I do?

I knew I’d need to make some significant changes at home, but my ideas initially fell to the obvious, like starting a new daytime routine, and leaning in with kindness and compassion. I probably broke out the Pinterest search bar for “healthy routines for three year old.” My alcohol use hadn’t been questioned nor did I see it as a core issue at that point, but my conscience sat in a back booth waiting patiently. Another corner puzzle piece closer to revealing the bigger picture.

I quit drinking shortly thereafter for a different reason entirely, (it’s detailed in my book) but that day at the doctor’s office clung on to my memories as I got stronger and more clear headed in my sobriety. Days to weeks, weeks to months, the fruits of my labor evidenced by my skin, my energy, sleep patterns.

So many beautiful blessings from this new lifestyle, but none more sweet than my own parenting reconstruction.

Consistency. Structure. Positive environment.

No parenting book will ever tell you that the most radical impact we can have on our children is our own healing. Sobriety meant the stepping stone to positive, impactful change. Sobriety helped me provide the nurturing and foundation my children needed from their mother. My child’s behavior did not change when I got sober, but mine did.

I look back now on that day at the doctors office, realizing the pediatrician wasn’t telling me how to fix my child’s behavior. He was telling me how to fix my own.

Please join me on Wednesday, October 23rd at 10 a.m. Pacific for the next Sober Mom Connection meeting. Sharing, connecting, asking and answering questions. Sober and sober curious folks welcome. Register here

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