I will host my very first Sober Mom Connection call TOMORROW — Wednesday, September 25 at 10 a.m. Pacific. This is free for all subscribers! Register here
A woman I just met in recovery was telling me about the old timers in her local 12-step meeting. “Old men” she laughed, but loyal and some of the most grateful people you’ll ever meet. She told a story about earning her five year chip and one of them making a joke about not seeing her again. She was taken aback, committed in her sobriety and with no intention of turning back after she’d come so far. But the old-timer explained it was common to lose regular attendees once they hit about five years sober. He said that around year five, people start to drop from meetings, feeling free and ready to prioritize other parts of life. There’s an attendance gap between year 5-20 where people seemingly disappear, though some of them eventually come back.
“Why five years?” I asked her, fascinated by this facet of recovery and 12-step meetings I know nothing about. As someone who’s never attended an AA meeting, I sometimes feel a brief pang of FOMO when people share about their “home group” or their sponsor. While I am one of the first people to preach of the power and accessibility of virtual community, I can also attest there is nothing quite like face to face connection.
“People commonly stop going to meetings after five or so years sober because that’s around the time our dreams come true,” she said. I had to reflect for a moment. At almost seven years sober, I do not have everything a girl could dream for: my mental health is and will always be a work in progress, parenting isn’t the seamless lazy river I always imagined it to be, and I still have many financial obstacles to overcome.
And yet, reflecting on my dreams from seven years ago: sobriety, accountability, self-trust, relationships built on mutual respect, boundaries? Those dreams did come true. I have everything I hoped for not so long ago, and in spades.
If pre-sober me met current me? I wouldn’t even recognize myself. In fact? We probably wouldn’t get along so well. A doormat meeting a confident woman with boundaries? Ohhhh, drinking me would have hated that bitch.
I can see why people start dropping meetings and recovery efforts around this time too. Alcohol is the furthest thing from my mind. In fact, the only time I even think about it is during meetings, and sometimes I wonder how much nicer it might be to not give it any mental energy at all.
I feel myself drifting that direction. My heart loitering on curious corners and pondering alternate routes. All in all, my spirit feels flighty, like a butterfly looking for a new place to land.
Life has been especially intense lately. Family and personal choices have drained me, and while I pride myself on staying on top of everything, I’ve been noticeably slipping. Checking off boxes but constantly tripping over speed bumps. My hustle keeps me at the front of the race but heart gets left at the starting line, spirited away between the shoulds and wants of what really matters.
A spiritless life feels empty, which explains the hollow sound in my chest of late. Sometimes I nurture that space through recovery meetings but other times I find it in nature, in silence, or in service. Still, drastic times call for drastic measures. I’ve known it was time to leave the ant farm I’ve built over the last few years and do something a little bit scary, but really exciting and adventurous.
Yesterday I returned from a women’s sober retreat, my first experience of this kind. My attempt to force myself to slow down, connect, and reflect. I’m elated to say I accomplished all three, feeling emotionally stronger and more focused than I have in years. Connected by invisible strings to women who live across the country who all felt equally called towards this same adventure in this moment in time. Women of various ages, backgrounds, relationship status, careers and life journeys but with one very important thing in common: recovery. The great equalizer.
After only a few days away, I feel as though my spirit found a place to land. My wings can rest. My heart feels full and my outlook is back in focus. The motivation to prioritize my spiritual needs has returned, as has my gratitude towards my recovery.
My sobriety goals have all come true, but my experience is far from over. And while I may not know what surprising or plot twists come in this next chapter, as long as I remain grounded in my sobriety, I know I will be okay.
Have you bought my book, It’s Not About the Wine: The Loaded Truth Behind Mommy Wine Culture? Buy it here. And please leave a review on Amazon when you’re finished!
There will be no Sober Staircase this week. Instead, I’m inviting you to join me on Wednesday, September 25th at 10 a.m. Pacific for our very first Sober Mom Connection meeting. Sharing, connecting, asking and answering questions. Sober and sober curious folks welcome. Register here
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