A Letter to My Kids About Alcohol, In Gamer Speak

Gaming lingo defined for us parents

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Dear kids, I have some bad news… and no, the wifi’s not down so don’t panic.

But seriously, I want to talk to you about alcohol. Why? Because alcohol seemingly works. It works to spike our dopamine levels and make us feel good immediately. It seems to soften our anxiety and swell our confidence. Alcohol is a drug, popular, and extremely accessible — because it seems like it works.

Are you surprised I’m saying this? You thought this was going to be one of those “just say no” talks, didn’t you? Well I’m no N00b (translation: newbie) to alcohol and the “just say no” campaign only made me say yes to all of it so let’s just be real.

The drug — and let’s be clear: alcohol is the OP (translation: “overpowered” and can mean original, first, or strong) of drugs. It is ethanol, a diluted version of the same ethanol used in the gasoline to fuel our cars)¹ and it does exactly what we want it to do. No lagging. It makes us feel warm and cozy for a short period of time. It amps us up or glitches us down depending on what we seek.

This is why you see alcohol everywhere. This is why it’s all over social media and ads. This is why you’ll hear other grown-ups, teens and even n00bs talk about alcohol. It’s a drug. An effective drug. A legal drug you can buy anywhere at anytime if you’re 21 years old, and sooner if you creep into a parent’s liquor cabinet or find a shady villager (translation: stupid Minecraft character) who will buy it for you.